“All we can do is keep breathing,” says one of my favorite song birds in one of her melancholy tunes.
If only it were that simple, Ingrid. If that’s all it were, if all I needed to do was breath in and out, perhaps even in combination with a multitude of other primitive functions, like bringing home the proverbial bacon, sleeping, and engaging in sexual activity, I would be A-Okay. I am functioning in the basic human sense.
However, my intrinsic happiness, sense of self-worth, and ultimately my level of productivity and how that is contributing to the human race, is something that is rapidly dwindling, and really almost nil. I could chalk up my unhappiness to the economy; “I have six digits of student loan debt and couldn’t find a well-paying job in my field, and am now stuck in mediocre job making not enough money while my six digits of debt becomes delinquent.” I could make excuses for my recent laziness and downhill road to thunder thighs on the horribly frigid weather and stressful job. I could just keep on keeping on, and do just OKAY…I could stay stagnant and live a decent life and continually wonder what would have happened if the near 27-year-old me had made some changes and not given up the dream, rather than keeping on the proverbial “on.”
So this is it. It is not rock bottom. It is not even the ledge on the pedestal that is 1,000 feet above the rocky bottom. It is merely a plateau, a flat-line in my life that needs 40cc’s of *something* stat.
So, then, what do I need to do? I don’t know. I need music. I need to play music, and right now, that part of my life is nearly non-existent. There’s more school, or there’s auditions (the latter is tricky when working full time in a job that is stressful). First, I have to get back in shape, on the flute, then physically. Then, I need to make myself present in the community. I have a snapshot of my best self, and I know what I need to do to get there. That’s first. Everything else should fall into place after that. Should.
After that, there is family. There is perhaps starting my own family, but more importantly, making a better effort to keep in touch and see my existent fam, and perhaps even move home. That is a goal. Friends follow. I have very few friends. I have been a relationship person for so long, and I have relocated so much, that I have lost most of my closest friends. Joe and I need to make and maintain relationships with people.
Then, there is accomplishment. When I feel happy with myself, when I feel connected with the people I love and care about, then accomplishment is the piece of the puzzle that emerges from underneath the couch that you never knew you were missing.
That’s the goal; the piece of the puzzle with the dog drool and dust bunnies stuck to it.
