I hate the pessimistic preface I just set. Regardless, that is just the type of mood that I am in. It is indeed a Wednesday, a day that really has no implications attached to it aside from it’s annoying speed-bump status. Today it rained. Which might not seem unusual to many, however, here in the lovely Minneapolis, it is only the third rainy day I’ve seen since arriving in town 5 or so weeks ago.
I was glad to see the rain. The endless blue skies almost started to seem a bit trite. The workday overall went very well. Without giving out too much boring and personal information about what I do (no, I do not work for the CIA; that, however, is another failed pipe dream of mine), I felt confident, productive, and actually had a good amount of fun today. Until the end of the day. Essentially, myself and a few others who are still in training were evaluated for the first time on our performance. Essentially, I was deemed to be slightly behind. My SAT score would’ve been maybe a 950, at best. Although intended to be helpful, this tidbit of information more or less ruined my until then, good day.
I try very hard in what I do. As a flutist, I was always somewhat of a perfectionist. If I couldn’t be the best at that, I tried and tried until I WAS the best. And when my best was not ultimately good enough, I gave up the dream (of an orchestral job). I guess today’s events sent my mind spinning back to that. The same wheels were turning. If I can’t be awesome at this (granted, I am still in training), then fuck it. Why care? Just be satisfied with having a job, and move on. But I cannot do that. I have too much respect and enjoy my company too much. I will improve (already have), and I will be respected for what I do. Furthermore, I will enjoy it.
The moral of the story is that what I really miss, what I really really miss, is music. Is sitting in the chamber orchestra or woodwind quintet, or weird ass contemporary thing. That’s where I shine the most. So, on days like today when I’m not good enough where I am and feel like another number or hire, that’s where I go. I network, I send emails to flute choirs, I practice. Because that dream refuses to die, and I cannot let it. It is en grained in my being, and it’s my decision to go out and keep trying.
